When 2005’s It Waits showed up on my door, only one thing about it appealed to me: the presence of actor Cerina Vincent. Her constantly nude appearance in 2001’s Not Another Teen Movie was the only thing that made the movie watchable. Would she brighten It Waits with various forms of undress as well? With a running time of less than 90 minutes, I figured I’d give it a try.

Waits begins with a quick sequence in which some archaeologists unearth ancient cave paintings. This event doesn’t end pleasantly, though, as some big beastie emerges from the shadows to attack them.

From there we leap ahead two months and meet troubled young forest ranger Danielle St. Clair (Vincent). She boozes up a storm to get over her guilt following the drunken car wreck that killed her best pal Julie (Miranda Frigon). Danny’s boyfriend Justin (Dominic Zamprogna) attempts to help her work through her pain, but his dime-store psychoanalysis can’t quite bring Danny out of her funk.

Something else intervenes, however, when they discover a creature in their midst. This critter taunts and haunts them as it pulls of a killing spree. The movie follows their attempts to stop the beast and stay alive.

Here’s what you don’t do: cast Cerina Vincent in a movie and keep her fully clothed. What’s the point? As an actress, Vincent possesses only two good qualities, and they reside midway between her chin and her navel. Perhaps Vincent has come down with Shannon Elizabeth Syndrome, an affliction that causes hot babes to denounce their nudie actress roots and only take completely dressed parts.

If that’s the case, I can’t imagine Vincent’s career will go any better than Elizabeth’s since she sure can’t act. This leads me to another Here’s What You Don’t Do Moment. Don’t watch dreck like Waits right after you view a well-made flick. I made the mistake of screening this stinker right after I finished with The New World. While I wasn’t dazzled by the latter, it certainly offered a radically superior experience when compared to Waits. It offers nicely understated performances, whereas the acting in Waits ranges from awkward to stilted to amateurish. The movie’s parrot is the most convincing actor; at least he has an excuse for his stiff line readings.

Vincent clearly lacks the chops to play anything other than Naked Hottie #1, and I’m not even sure she’s up to that challenge any longer. Though she played in the cult hit Cabin Fever and a few box office non-entities, I’d not seen her since that impressive (visual) turn in Not Another Teen Movie. My Lord – she looks like she’s aged 15 years over the last five! Honestly, I didn’t even recognize her, as the fresh-faced beauty of Teen was nowhere to be found.

Without her stunning good looks to carry the film, this meant she had to rely on her non-existent acting skills. Waits made this even more of a challenge since it attempted psychological depth in her character. Sadly, Vincent just looked irritated throughout the film. Rather than display pain or conflict, she simply came across as a Spoiled Trophy Wife whose sports car got scratched by the valet.

Actually, I’m not even sure why Waits included the elements related to Danny’s painful past. These don’t matter in the least, and they just weigh down the film’s first act. With this sort of movie, we just want to see the monster claw, snarl and chewy-chomp. Who gives a rat’s ass about some dopey drunk chick who’s all mopey about the death of another dopey drunk chick?

I sure don’t – at least not from a monster movie like Waits. Danny’s guilt plays no role whatsoever in the main plot. It never connects to the rest of the story, so I have no clue why those elements appear here. Maybe the filmmakers just needed something to fill time.

If the horror side of things worked better, I might not mind. As it stands, the movie boasts many unintentionally funny moments and no scary ones. Boy, does this sucker come with laughs! The monster itself looks like a goofy variant of the Alien, and almost everything else about the flick screams for the viewer to mock it.

This is truly incompetent filmmaking. In addition to the terrible acting, we find many laughable lines, ridiculously erratic pacing and tone, cheesy music, and some of the most awkward editing I’ve seen. Oh, and don’t forget all the continuity mistakes. I rarely pick up on these, but I saw a bunch in this mess of a movie. It becomes tough to separate these from poor storytelling, though; the flick constantly throws out concepts that it soon discards or forgets. There’s no flow or logic to this disaster.

Frankly, I could rant all night about the problems found in It Waits. I have better things to do with my time, however, such as… well, anything would be better than thinking about this movie any longer. An absurdly amateurish and idiotic horror flick, It Waits just stinks.

It Waits appears in an aspect ratio of approximately 1.77:1 on this single-sided, double-layered DVD; the image has been enhanced for 16X9 televisions. Though not without some problems, the movie usually looked pretty good.

Only a few issues affected sharpness. Occasional shots came across as a little soft and ill-defined. However, most of the flick appeared crisp and concise. I saw no jagged edges or shimmering, and only a little edge enhancement could be observed. As for source concerns, the movie was a bit grainy at times, and I noticed a couple of specks. Neither created real problems.

The palette of Waits went for the gloomy side of natural. Green dominated the outdoors landscape. While the colors weren’t really vivacious, they seemed fine given the setting and the movie’s tone. Blacks were adequately dark and deep, and most low-light shots offered decent delineation. Although a few appeared a little dense, those were the exceptions to the rule. Overall, this was a more than acceptable transfer.

Unfortunately, I found less to like about the Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack of It Waits. Audio quality was a definite concern. Speech varied from reasonably natural to muddy and dense. The movie split between lines recorded on the set and a few looped pieces. Neither of those elements managed to sound consistent. The dubbed bits were obviously done in the studio, and the “live” material tended to be flat.

The same issue affected effects. These lacked much vivacity, and that meant even dynamic bits like explosions failed to possess any heft. For these parts, low-end was lacking. On the other hand, the music suffered from too much bass. The score and songs appeared thick and sludgy, and they didn’t display good brightness. Sound quality wasn’t atrocious, but it was erratic and rarely better than lackluster.

Additional concerns greeted the soundfield. Music offered the most consistent use of the various speakers. The score and songs showed pretty decent stereo imaging and also spread mildly to the surrounds. Effects did little outside of the center channel, however. Occasional elements popped up from the sides, but I was hard-pressed to find many examples of these.

It seemed even more difficult to locate material from the surrounds, as I can’t recall any prominent instances of effects from the rear channels. This mix preferred to promote that material only in the center, and that meant it didn’t offer much breadth. This was a dull mix that barely mustered a “C-“.

Despite the film’s obscurity, it packs a few extras. We open with an audio commentary from director Steven R. Monroe and actor Cerina Vincent. Both sit together for this running, screen-specific chat, though Vincent departs before too long; she needs to head to an audition and splits at the 30-minute, 55-second mark.

Not that her absence creates real problems in this consistently lackluster commentary. It goes over typical topics such as locations and sets, performances and story, score and music, camerawork, effects and various challenges. We hear a lot about the cold, rainy weather on location and get a sense of a few problems related to the film’s low budget. Occasionally we find decent insights, and I like the parts about the concerns related to working with a parrot.

However, the track sputters more often than I’d like, and Monroe sometimes repeats himself in an attempt to fill time. For instance, he often reminds us that a nudist resort resided just off camera. Along with the usual batch of praise, the director tends to simply narrate the movie at times and doesn’t make this a terribly useful piece. It provides a rudimentary take on the film and nothing more than that.

Next we get a documentary called Blood on the Pines. This 20-minute and 57-second program provides the usual mix of movie clips, production elements, and interviews. We hear from Monroe, Vincent, producer Stephen J. Cannell, and creature performer Matt Jordan. We learn about the project’s script and development, casting and performances, the parrot, design and creation of the creature, shooting in Vancouver and the location’s impact on the story, camerawork and the director’s work, makeup and effects, and filming a few specific scenes.

“Pines” provides a rudimentary but reasonably informative program. It never quite digs into the material with great depth, and it definitely throws out too much praise for this dreadful film. Nonetheless, it covers the basics with acceptable efficiency and gives us a passable overview of the production.

The DVD opens with a few ads. We get promos for Room 6, All Soul’s Day – Dia De Los Muertos, and Demon Hunter. In addition, the disc presents these in the Also On DVD area, and we find the trailer for It Waits.

I watched It Waits with a simple expectation: naked shots of a hot woman. Not only did the movie avoid such bare pleasures, but also it presented one of the cheesiest films I’ve watched in quite some time. Incompetent in virtually every possible way, it provides unintentional laughs and nothing more. The DVD offers good picture with problematic sound and a couple of decent extras. I can find no reason to recommend this utterly atrocious movie.