Reviewed by Colin Jacobson (May 27, 2005)
Just like all the years I’ve been disappointed by the selections of the Oscar Best Picture, Playboy’s picks for Playmate of the Year (PMOY) rarely coincide with mine. Actually, I think they’ve let me down even more frequently than Oscar. I’m not sure that there’s ever been a year Hef and I agreed on PMOY, though some years I’m more disappointed than others.
Add 2005’s selection to the pile of let-downs. I thought 2004 presented two exceptional Playmates: Pilar Lastra (Miss August) and Cara Zavaleta (Miss November). I liked some of the others as well, but those two stood out as easily the best the year had to offer.
I figured neither of them had a shot to win, however, due to Hef’s predilection for blondes. Brunette lovers like myself had to endure long stretches without many dark-haired PMOYs. Look at the Nineties, a decade with only two brunette PMOYs, or the Eighties and its similarly low ratio. (I must admit some PMOYS like India Allen and Stacey Sanchez blur the lines – I see them as blonde, but they’re darker blonde and border on brunette.)
After a couple of poor blonde-haired choices to start the 21st century, Playboy finally started to recognize brunettes. This meant the presence of Christina Santiago as PMOY 2003 and Carmella DeCesare as PMOY 2004. Not only did we get two straight dark-haired PMOYs, but the magazine also went against the silicone trend of recent years. Before Santiago, eight of the prior 10 PMOYs were clearly “enhanced”, but both Santiago and DeCesare came with wonderfully natural breasts.
All of this meant I thought there was little chance we’d get another brunette PMOY for 2005, much less one without implants, so there went my hopes for either Lastra or Zavaleta to win. Well, my prediction was half-correct. Raven-tressed Tiffany Fallon (Miss December 2004) is as dark-haired as they come, but she clearly went under the knife before her Playboy experience. I’ve seen more obvious boob jobs, but I’ve also observed many more natural-looking “enhancements”.
So while Playboy went with an unprecedented third-straight brunette PMOY, they picked the wrong one. Despite my disdain for breast implants, I still think I should like Fallon, or at least find her more enticing than I do. However, as demonstrated in this Playboy Video Centerfold: Playmate of the Year, Fallon presents a curiously bland and uninspiring presence.
During the main program’s 32 minutes, we see Fallon in a mix of settings. The set-ups will seem familiar to fans of Playboy videos, as we’ve seen plenty of similar material in the past. Five vignettes form the majority of the piece. Fallon bounces around a movie lot to a country tune and then she poses in an edgy New York loft. In one fantasy sequence, she snags some dude’s cameraphone and takes nude shots of herself, while in another, movie-star Tiffany escapes paparazzi and then poses for a different guy on a rooftop and in a large theater. The other elements show Fallon in classic pinup poses.
In between these pictorial elements, Fallon chats about her life and her personality. She also tells us about her experiences at Playboy. These don’t fill a lot of time, however, as the vignettes dominate the program.
As always, we learn little real information about the model. Playmates always talk in generic tones about themselves and their careers, so these segments quickly turn tedious. I suppose the DVDs have to include them, but they’re eminently skippable.
Unfortunately, I find little reason to rewatch any of Fallon’s nude vignettes either. Granted, she was going to be a tough sell for me due to her chest. I really don’t like implants, and hers look bad here. In photos, they often seem surprisingly decent, but in these videos, her breasts come across as hard and bulbous. This spreads to Tiffany herself, as she lacks the “girl next door” charm of the best Playboy models. She’s not as fake and processed as 2002’s Dalene Kurtis - arguably the worst ever choice for PMOY, especially since she beat out fan favorite Lindsey Vuolo - but Fallon often comes across as an artificial presence.
This leaves her as a strangely boring model. Even given my dislike of her implants, she’s certainly very attractive. However, she lacks much distinctiveness, and the she never generates any fire. Perhaps she just doesn’t do well in front of the camera, but Tiffany can’t light up the screen or create much sex appeal in these settings.
Normally I’d blame the blandness of the vignettes. Playboy’s directors don’t show a lot of creativity in their settings, as we’ve seen many exceedingly similar bits in the past. Granted, I don’t know how much leeway they have; without getting into graphic scenarios, there are only so many ways to show a naked woman as she poses.
That said, Playboy videos have delivered some very hot vignettes in the past, with provocative set-ups and action. I’ve seen enough of these programs to recognize just how boring all of the ones here really are. There’s not a single interesting or memorable clip on display.
That leaves this Video Centerfold as a disappointing dud. I may not be wild about Tiffany Fallon as PMOY, but I certainly expected hotter action than what I found in this dull video, especially since I’ve seen many sexy vignettes that featured models I find to be significantly less attractive. Fallon lacks presence and charisma in front of the camera, and the director fails to do anything to spice up the proceedings. This is a weak Playboy product.