If Cheaper By the Dozen featured 12 kids but Yours, Mine and Ours spotlights 18, does that make the latter 50 percent funnier than the former? No, but that’s mainly because 1.5 times 0 still equals 0. Dozen was difficult to stomach, and Ours fares no better.

A remake of a 1968 flick with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball, the 2005 Ours introduces us to two families. Headed by spit and polished Coast Guard Admiral Frank (Dennis Quaid), the eight-child Beardsley family runs with military precision and discipline. Led by touchy-feely artsy-fartsy accessories designer Helen (Rene Russo), the 10-kid North clan prefers to embrace the inner child and not sweat the small stuff.

Worlds collide when former teen lovers Frank and Helen reconnect at their high school reunion. Despite their very different styles, the pair fall in love again and marry. This means that all 18 of their children have to live together and learn how to deal with their antagonistic preferences. The movie follows all the nutty pitfalls and challenges along the way.

You wanna hear something sad? I wrote that synopsis without having seen the film. I’ve never done that before, as I’ve always at least needed to examine the movie before I could summarize it. I’d watched the trailer for Ours and that was enough to know exactly what the film was about and anticipate everything that would occur in it.

Yes, Ours is just that predictable and formulaic. We know that the kids will hate each other initially but they’ll eventually bond. We know that all sorts of comic hijinks will accompany all of this.

We also know that the results will be painfully unfunny unless you’re a) six years old, b) intellectually challenged, or c) both. Quaid offers perhaps the tightest body one could see on a 51-year-old man, but he usually looks like a buffoon as the movie subjects him to one “comic” humiliation after another. Russo – who also looks much hotter than one could expect of a 51-year-old - avoids such degradation for reasons unknown. I suppose the filmmakers just think it’s funnier to put the uptight Frank in those scenarios.

It’s not, and Ours fails to muster a single laugh. It provoked lots of groans, winces, and sighs of disgust. There’s not a creative, interesting or amusing second to be found here.

I did feel bad for Quaid and Russo. I like both and they actually display some chemistry and charm together. I’d like to see them in a flick with more promise than this one.

Perhaps there’s a director out there who could have brought some life and spark to Ours, but Raja Gosnell isn’t that person. He’s best known as the director of the two Scooby-Doo movies, and that’s not exactly a great calling card. In his defense, the first Scooby-Doo was moderately entertaining, but the sequel sucked, and Gosnell’s other efforts like Big Momma’s House and Home Alone 3 don’t stand as shining stars in the firmament of films.

Gosnell relies on the tried and true here, though I should probably retitle that “the crappy and corroded”. He attempts to push all the usual buttons, whether comedic, emotional or otherwise, and he never does anything remotely fresh. This is directing by numbers for a lowest common denominator audience.

Does Ours have any surprises? Well, I was slightly startled by its aspect ratio, as I expected it to be a more comedy-typical 1.85:1. I guess they went with 2.35:1 to fit on all the kids, but I still didn’t expect it.

Otherwise, this was a painfully predictable experience. I could see every gag, plot twist and stunt minutes in advance. I knew exactly where everything would go, and the movie never managed to make it a fun ride.

Yours, Mine and Ours appears in an aspect ratio of approximately 2.35:1 on this single-sided, double-layered DVD; the image has been enhanced for 16X9 televisions. The transfer didn’t excel, but it was more than satisfactory.

Sharpness usually looked solid. Some minor softness occasionally affected wide shots, but those instances stayed modest. Most of the movie boasted good definition and clarity. I witnessed no problems with jagged edges or shimmering, though I did see a little edge enhancement. Outside of a speck or two, the film came without source flaws.

Colors seemed positive. The movie embraced a fairly lively, dynamic palette and the DVD duplicated that well. The tones were peppy and bright throughout the film. Blacks seemed deep and dense, and shadows were reasonably clear. They didn’t shine, but they worked fine. The occasional soft shot and slightly dense low-light image made this a “B” transfer, but it was a good one overall.

Slightly more ambitious than I expected, the Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack of Yours, Mine and Ours nonetheless failed to dazzle. A few settings opened up the mix more than I anticipated. Most of those came from the Coast Guard related bits, as ships and helicopters moved around well. Some of the more chaotic scenes also demonstrated nice delineation and localization, as those brought out good surround usage.

Otherwise, this was a pretty simple track. Music showed positive stereo imaging, and the effects generally spread out well. There were enough of the slapstick scenes to make the mix moderately lively, but not enough of them to create a truly impressive soundfield.

No real problems with audio quality occurred. I thought some of the flick’s pop songs lacked appropriate heft, but the score was lively and perky. Speech always seemed concise and distinctive, and no issues with edginess or intelligibility interfered. Effects sounded crisp and accurate. This was a perfectly decent soundtrack for a kiddie comedy.

A surprisingly broad roster of extras fills out Ours. These begin with an audio commentary from director Raja Gosnell. He offers a running, screen-specific piece. Gosnell chats about various gags, the cast, locations and sets, and the logistics of dealing with so many characters. I thought some of Gosnell’s prior commentaries were mediocre, and this one’s not an improvement. He mostly lets us know what parts of the film he likes, how much fun the flick was, and how wonderful everyone was. We learn very little about the movie in this tedious track.

Two Deleted Scenes fill a total of three minutes, 52 seconds. These include “The Proposal” and “The Families Meet”. Both probably should have made the final cut, as they flesh out the characters a little. We can watch these with or without commentary from Gosnell. He offers some brief production notes and explains why they dropped the scenes.

A slew of featurettes show up after this. Yours, Mine and Ours: Inside the Lighthouse goes for 16 minutes, 30 seconds and features movie clips, behind the scenes materials, and interviews. We hear from Gosnell and actors Dennis Quaid, Rene Russo, Sean Faris, Drake Bell, Danielle Panabaker, Katija Pevec, James “Lil’ JJ” Lewis, Miranda Cosgrove, Dean Collins, Miki Ishikawa, Tyler Patrick Jones, Slade Pearce, Haley Ramm, Bridger and Brecken Palmer, Jennifer and Jessica Habib, Andrew Vo, Ty Panitz, Nicholas Roget-King, and Linda Hunt.

The show looks at story and characters for the most part. We also get some notes about Gosnell’s style as a director, working with the animals, and shooting the sloppy scenes. There’s enough material from the set to make this one interesting for fans, but we don’t get much concrete information in this glorified trailer.

After this comes 18 Kids – One Script: The Writing of Yours, Mine and Ours. The five-minute and 22-second piece features Gosnell and writers David Kidd and Ron Burch. We get notes about adapting the original movie and various issues that came up with this one. The program isn’t exactly a goldmine of useful details, but it gives us a decent look at the basics behind the script.

Two similar featurettes follow. We get Casting the North Family (seven minutes, two seconds) and Casting the Beardsley Family (5:47). These present Gosnell and casting directors Shalimar Reodica and Mary Vernieu. They chat about the different young actors and why each one got their roles. This tends to be pretty fluffy, though we do find some nice insights and tidbits like the fact the Naoko character was originally supposed to be a male. It also includes tons of fun audition footage.

Tips for those who want to get into the business appear in Your Big Break! Advice for Aspiring Young Actors. This five-minute and 35-second program offers notes from Reodica, Vernieu, Panabaker, Jones, Collins, Lewis, Pevec, Faris, Bell, Cosgrove, Ishikawa, and Gosnell. While lightweight, “Break” actually offers some decent info. It gives those with an interest in acting a few minor insights into the processes.

Details about the nautical scenes show up in the three-minute and 11-second Setting Sail with the Coast Guard. This includes comments from Gosnell and US Coast Guard Jeff Loftus. We learn why the filmmakers chose to put Frank in the Coast Guard and hear a little about the collaboration with that organization. As with the other featurettes, this one lacks depth, but it seems painless and offers a few minor notes.

Finally, we get an eight-minute and 38-second Behind the Scenes Video Diary. This shows shots from personal video cameras operated by a few of the kids. We watch the action at the set. It’s all goofy and not very interesting.

Along with two trailers for Ours, the DVD includes some ads. We get clips for Aeon Flux, Last Holiday, All You’ve Got and The Brady Bunch. These appear in the disc’s Previews area and also start the DVD.

Despite low expectations for Yours, Mine and Ours, the movie still came as a disappointment. It wastes a few good actors and serves as nothing more than a stupid conglomeration of cheesy and predictable moments. The DVD offers good picture and sound with a mix of somewhat insubstantial but moderately informative extras. It’s a decent DVD for a crummy movie.